Reconnecting

Coming back to God fully after a while can be extremely discouraging. I kept using excuses after excuses as to why I wasn't growing closer to God. Worked too much. Was finally happy & thanked God but didn't live as I should. Held resentment with my past & told myself at least I'm not as bad as so and so.. Not until I was completely happy & finally loved like I truly felt like I deserved did I fall down so hard. It was so unexpected & was I in denial.

I had found my one true love with a bonus little boy to love & be loved by. We had grown more together & even added our own little bundle of joy New Years Day of 2021. I was so happy & cherished unlike ever before. But post partum hits hard especially when you are in denial & act like everything is fine if you just keep pushing through it. Well, that's what I thought anyways. "Just keep pushing through, it will get better.." Everyone that I was around would never truly know how I felt because I didn't want to be a burden.. I just wanted to disappear. Not be here anymore & drag the people I care about the most down with me. But when I had finally wanted to give up, I talked to Max & he was so understanding. He tried so hard to be there for me. But he wasn't the person to help me, he was the one there to keep me going. His love pushed me more than ever. Finally, I went to my mom. She is the one to snap me out of it over time. She said there ain't no excuses for not following Jesus & pray your way through it. Right now, fix it! If you know her you know that women is tougher than nails & steel. She's been through so much but she never gave up. It was defiantly tough love but I am beyond grateful for her everyday since. She still might drive me crazy but if not for her to begin with I wouldn't have the background of going to church & being so strong headed. The countless times I called her crying & she was just there for me, telling me to get off my tail & do something. Quit giving excuses, give it to God she would say. Clean that house, get some plants, do something with your day. Trying "everything" still didn't help so I went to get medical help, the medicine cut everything in half. It was manageable at best but there was still something missing. How can I be missing something when I felt like I had the perfect life that I had been praying for, for so long..  

Finally, I took her advise to heart. Made Jesus my priority and lets just say that was always the missing piece. I had been teaching my children about Jesus & wanting them to grow more in Jesus but I was not growing in my own relationship with Christ. That was Gods wake up call for me the the whole time. Make sure my growth comes first & the kids will see Him through me. Like I said, I was in denial. So blinded by putting myself last in what mattered the most. Now, that has changed. I try my best to grow with God everyday & not use all the same excuses. They still cross my mind & things like the house needs to be cleaned does win. But now, if I don't do my daily Bible studies I feel like my day isn't complete & I notice the change in my attitude. If I haven't jammed out to Christian music once a day, I feel like I'm missing out on worship. If I don't talk to God about my fears or concerns throughout the day, I feel like I haven't talked to a friend in forever. Doing this blog is also my way of looking deeper into myself & see where God needs me. l have always loved reading blogs, writing my feelings & I feel like this can help others somehow. Because the devil tries to bring things into our lives to discourage us, he doesn't want us to reconnect with God & see that our problems are internal, within ourselves. That we need to fix what is in us, in our homes, being taught to our children through us. The devil wants us to keep giving the excuse that one day we will get right with God, in plenty of time to act the way we want to now. That is not true. Today is the day to get to know Jesus, today is the day to love one another & quit being annoyed with everything/everybody around us. Today is the day to get into the Word of God so that we can fight the devil as Jesus did. WITH THE WORD OF GOD. so powerful & giving. It can change hearts & open eyes. Calm the worrying hearts because doesn't God take care of the birds in the sky. Work on yourself through Jesus & pray because He's got the rest. Lord, Help Me, because everyday I need you & your grace. 

Thanks Max, Momma & God for loving me with all my flaws & hard headedness.