Well, my Bible study "slapped" me in the face this morning. 

Woah! Does anyone else already ready for summer?? Because these past couple weeks seemed to be the longest & fastest weeks of the year. 

I'm really bad at reading my Bible. If I don't feel like the message is speaking to me or a "interesting" topic, I'll get discouraged & put it all up. Today was one of those days starting out. I was reading Genesis 10-11, and it was mostly Noah's descendants.. I was all sorts of confused & then it went into the tower of Babel & Abram. If I would have stopped reading when I originally wanted to quit, I would have never learned that they build the tower waterproofed. They used the same material that God had Noah use for the ark. They didn't only want to disrespect God in trying to "get to heaven," they didn't trust in God's promise to never flood the earth again. They did it out of spite. They wanted to be well known to the world not in the great works that God can do for us. Giving Him the praise for all He had already done. God showed them mercy by spreading them all over the earth & changing their languages. Then after some more descendants, came more knowledge I didn't know. Abram's family were a family of idol worshippers, he probably was one before God called him. He was not in a God fearing family, didn't have the stories told to him growing up & God still choose him! How wonderful that our God can take someone out of a not so great situation & make us so great in faith. Sometimes all we have to do is do the work in learning of wisdom, God's Word, then God helps us grow our faith. How Abram had probably no faith at all but it grew over time with help. All we need to do is receive the message, treasure it, apply it, ask God for guidance & our faith grows (Proverbs 2). Our work is so little compared to the work God does for us. He is the Way Maker to those that don't see a way. He builds in us even when we don't see the point or how far we've come.   

Reading Jesus' parables in Mark has me really reevaluating myself today. Am I sown in good soil? Easy answer no. I have fallen with the thorns too many times to count. I was really doing better & I let the cares of the world pull me away from what matters. I let myself be pulled to a new attention instead of God & His Word. 

Something I think we all need is to love more like Jesus. I know I fail at it more times than not. It's so hard not to treat people the way they treat(ed) us. They had a horrible attitude to us that one time & we think its okay for a slip of an attitude just once to get them back. Or someone that didn't even give you a chance at being open & you were the nicest you could be then but now you see the hypocrite person they are & want to treat them the way they did to you. I fell into that this week. Thinking joking my feelings on something would be a jab at that person. Honestly, it made me just feel horrible that I would even think of treating someone the way I was (even though it was nothing compared to what they put me through) & lets just say they made my life rough for a long time. Jealousy, resentment & hurt can cause all sorts of problems if it's not addressed properly. Lord, help me to be more like you. I needed this study today & only you knew I did. Thank you. You love those who were going to kill you & your followers.. Your heart broke for them that they had such hate in their hearts. I pray to do the same. I pray you ease my mind to feel the way you did/do to those against you. Prepare me for future moments that can be filled with love instead of resentment. When I do slip that I apologize for my behavior & know that I still need to work on myself & everyone else is not my problem. Also pray that you let others see your love through me even when I am put in a situation. I am a sinner but I wish to do better for you Lord. Cover me with your love & strength. May the past be the past & you forgive me for my sins, I pray to do the same.  

Today, is one of my down days. Don't feel like doing anything. Haven't had coffee, stayed on the couch all morning & lots of low feelings today. Really needing something to motivate me & nothing is working. I usually get like this randomly but haven't felt like this in awhile. My blue collar man was home for a week & I really got use to him being home vs having to work extra hours.. He works so hard for our family & takes such good care of us. I am grateful that I get to stay at home to take care of our child. But somedays it can feel so exhausting. When he's home its almost like a weight is lifted off my shoulders. We do everything together, he is truly my best friend & don't know where I would be without him. People that live the blue collar wife life know where I'm coming from. We beat ourselves up most days, feeling like we don't do enough. Do we choose to get all the things done while a toddler tornados through it all or wants to play 900 times. Its so hard to divide my time with such a loving wild child that gets up early & is go go go all day long. There isn't enough hours in the day to honestly get everything done. But somedays even the little things seem so big. Like the laundry.. I can't stand laundry... its never ending & too much waiting. I'd rather mop my floors on my hands & knees than do laundry. Lol. I think we all have that chore we can't stand. But today I feel like I've been pushing everything I need to get done back further & further down the list. All I want to do is sit in a comfy room with some books & read away all the chores. But today is that day I know if I push it any further I'm going to lose my mind looking at the piles of things to do. Anyone else get like that? Push everything back until it's unavoidable. I haven't even been able to read a good book in at least a week. If you know me, you know that's already a problem. But I pushed through at 11, got my Bible out & studied Matthew 22. Still no motivation, so I turned on some worship music & that's where I felt God. Singing along with the music. It might not have been a big moment but I felt loved & like I am enough & that it's okay for me to feel this way because we all have these times but the important part is getting up & trying. Trying to grow with God everyday even when it doesn't feel like much. Just like showing our partners we love them by doing the chores & not having them feel like they aren't appreciated. Even when we have a bad day, trying our best is all that our partner & God is asking for. Thank you God for letting me know you love me even on my bad days & when I don't feel like I've done enough. Thank you to my man as well for motivating me even when I can't find any. Thank you both for being there for me. Thank you God that you gave me such a loving, understanding man that cherishes me how I've always wanted & amazing children that I can take care of. This isn't a cry for pity but me realizing that normal days can sometimes be mentally exhausting. That I prayed for this life & now I have it. To push through & put love in all things I do throughout the day & that my wants can be getting things done so that I can turn my day around. The Lord is the Waymaker making a better Homemaker.

Coming back to God fully after a while can be extremely discouraging. I kept using excuses after excuses as to why I wasn't growing closer to God. Worked too much. Was finally happy & thanked God but didn't live as I should. Held resentment with my past & told myself at least I'm not as bad as so and so.. Not until I was completely happy & finally loved like I truly felt like I deserved did I fall down so hard. It was so unexpected & was I in denial.

This morning I wanted to share my study for anyone in need of a little read themselves. I usually always use the app or website enduring word (it breaks down verse by verse) also got my devotional there today as well. While reading the devotional I just decided to read the whole chapter. So glad that I did because it was just the message I needed getting back into Bible studies. Be aware of false gospels! Paul writes to warn & show his concern for the churches following twisted gospels. They come off as charming & almost truthful but that's how they trick you into believing them.. Also something stuck out to me; that God choose a man that grew up to hate Gentiles, God lead him to teach the Gentiles & if that isn't God humor & grace I don't know what is. Lol. I pray that what I write in these blogs be for the benefit for others but be what God has me to say & express because I am far from perfect & will mess up from time to time. May y'all love the study & get from it as God wants. Because we all take from the same passage a little differently depending on how God is talking to us. 

We have such a forgiving God. I know that I am forever grateful for the times I've been shown forgiveness. From friends, family & God I have received endless forgiving love. Now that I have children I'm raising, I look back at all the mistakes I made. When I should have kept my mouth closed or just said something nicer to my parents. How I wish I could turn back time & just be more understanding & kind.

Today, like everyday for me starts the same. Wanting to sleep in 10 more minutes.. then coffee. Lol.

Sometimes I don't even feel like getting anything out, because I KNOW Colt is going to want to play with all the pretty pens & markers... For the longest I was just studying on my phone or a little verse here & there. Becoming a first time mom, I felt like everything I use to do was completely taken away. Bible studying was one of them with self care. Recently, I had a mental struggle that had me feeling like I wasn't enough but with the help of special people I got help & devoted more of my time to Jesus. Making sure I take more time for me, communicating when I'm overwhelmed & excepting that I don't have to do it all.  I made it a priority for my kids to get close to Jesus, just not for myself. Now, I've learned to make it more fun for not only me, but my whole family. I'll jam out to some worship music, get Colt some video on or coloring book. This morning while reading Matthew 16, I noticed that I forgot to get Colt situated first... Lets just say I got overwhelmed fast, hard to focus & wanted to just pack it all up. But I remembered my study yesterday on Jesus feeding the 5,000 & 4,000. He was completely heart broken over John the Baptist's death & needed alone time but the crowds needed him. He did not complain or say "later I need a self care day." Jesus valued the peoples need for care over even His own! Remembering that , I got up, made sure Colt was good & busy coloring even colored with him for awhile. Did I get aggravated, yes. Did I still want to study, no. But in order for me to get what I needed done I first had to serve someone else. Becoming a mother has really shown me more of God's graces & acceptance. He loves us even when we get distracted, even when we get overwhelmed & feel like maybe He isn't doing "enough" for us. He just wants the Me time with Him, just like our kids. He wants all our attention & craves for us to serve one another & make them smile. He understands that we need the Me time but to put others first then He will take care of us. He loves you. He knows we need Him. Why do we give any & every excuse to further ourselves from Him? Once you get closer to Him, the days you don't give that time feels like a boring day. I look forward to Bible study, but need to ask help & guidance that the house work & mothering is done with love & He will be my motivation so that I can be selfless like Jesus. 

So, this is new to me . I hope that I can help the community of SAHM. I've always been a social person, so becoming a stay at home mom was a big adjustment.  From being a CNA with tons on social  interactions, to finding out I was pregnant in the beginning of Covid & deciding that being at home was way more important to my family. Every house is different & we love working momma's here too. (I personally don't know how y'all do it all) I had an amazing man that has helped me be at home to school & raise our child. It was never an easy decision, we struggle everyday & know this government isn't made it easy for one income households.  I would love for this to be a outlet for me & so I can let other moms know we all go through the same things just with different times & experiences. Know that spelling will me off, this isn't going to be a blog on how easy or perfect anything is in my life. I want to share how my day to day life can be & how reading my Bible, getting closer to God, has changed my life. This is my life, it isn't all good. Everyone comes from a background, everyone fights their own demons but with God, I have been able to fight mine with eyes open. I am first a follower of Christ, soon to be wife, mother & most importantly a sinner. Give grace. Love you all & I'll write soon. 

Being mom is tough. Working mom or SAHM. It’s all hard.